I am sick. Again. I cannot get well and every time I say it out loud, my Bethel schooled husband says, “Don’t say that, you’re giving it power!” Yeah, well, I think it’s already got the power. Because I’m sick, dang it! Sickness and motherhood do not mix well. When my kids get scratches, bruises, and scrapes I inevitably think as they meltdown on my lap, “I wish I could trade places with you.” When I have a head cold, I think “I wish you guys could trade places with ME!” Yeah, I know that’s sadistic and whatever but I will happily serve them when I’m healthy. People who have sore throats and snot belong in bed. End of story.
As my kids have gotten older, a new phrase has been coined. It’s usually when Paul walks in the door and I’m still in my pajamas, my hair standing up straight, and arms akimbo at the end of my rope, “They’re just running me!” Allow me to explain.
Kid # 1: Mom, can I have some oatmeal?
Mom: Of course.
Kid # 2: I want oatmeal too, please!
Mom: I’m on it.
Kid # 3: WAAAAH!!! [interpretation: hold me]
Scene: Mom has screaming baby on hip, grappling for plastic bowls and spoons from the cupboard, transferring it all in a colorful plastic chaos closer to the oatmeal. She puts oatmeal into three bowls. Carves out three slices of butter and puts it on oatmeal. Adds chia seeds. Add cinnamon. Drizzles honey. One by one the plates get doled out to the table, and Kid # 3 gets fastened in high chair, which she does not believe in sitting in until food is prepared.
Kid # 1: Mom, this doesn’t have enough honey for me. Can I have just a little bit more, please?
Mom: Sure *Grabs bowl, heads to kitchen to add honey, returns to table*
Kid # 2: Mom, you forgot to give me juice.
Mom: Give me just a minute, baby.
Kid # 3: WAHHHH! [interpretation: feed me faster, woman.]
Kid # 1: I want juice too, Mommy.
Mom: *Gets up to retrieve three juice cups, fills them all with heavily diluted juice and returns to the table*
Kid # 1: Can I get more oatmeal?
Mom: Give me a minute, please.
Kid # 3: WAAAAHHHH! WAAAAAHHHHH!!!! [interpretation: how could you ever stop feeding me?]
Kid # 2: Mom, I need to go pee-pee
Mom: Ok, I will take you, let’s go.
Kid # 2: You forgot to get me more oatmeal!
Mom: I will when I get back.
Kid # 3: “WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!” [interpretation: I am famished!!!!!!]
Are you tired yet? I am. This is my mornings on occasion. Not every morning, but often enough that I can quote it. This is dinner too, just a little different food. Maybe you’re wondering where my husband is in this? You see, he is an early riser, like my children. Lots of times he feeds them when he is up before 7 am, and on the occasion I crawl out of bed closer to 8:15, then I will begin feeding them a second breakfast of oatmeal around 8:45. So, he’s a good man. He served his time before the sun came up.
Today the Lord spoke to me about boundaries. I’m terrible at them. In the particular situation He spoke to me about boundaries, Jake was hassling [guilt tripping] me to play legos with him. I wanted to. Dear God, I would have done it if I wasn’t doing a million other things. I kept telling him that I wanted to JUST finish dishes. JUST fold a couple clothes. JUST help Sonora change. JUST put the baby down. It did keep adding up, and before I knew it, an hour had gone by and I still hadn’t acknowledged his sweet little heart. Unfortunately, as I moved to sit with him I realized that I was thirsty. Not just a little thirsty, a LOT of thirsty. It was 10:30 and I still hadn’t taken a drink of water for the day. Just a cup of coffee. I was dehydrated, starting to fall apart, and my son was waiting on me. So I sat with him instead of getting water and I started thinking, “I am so mad that Jake doesn’t care enough about me to let me get water for myself. He just wants me to see his stupid legos!!!!” I felt so resentful of my son, and I immediately asked God to help me out. I didn’t want to feel that way, but somehow I found myself hanging onto the end of a rope for dear life, not sure how I got down there. As I consulted the Lord I heard Him correct me, “It’s really not Jake’s fault that you don’t set boundaries.” Even though the Lord always convicts in love, this hit me in a soft spot and it hurt. This is an area in my life that I have often times felt hopeless. I have fished for the root, and I think I located it.
When I was young, I was terrified of the dark, tortured by the enemy in my sleep. My parents took me to the psychologist, got me on medicine, and regularly kept me in touch with counselors. No one knew then it was a spiritual battle. My Mom had some boundaries in place-no sleeping in her room. I co-slept with her when I was younger, but once I was 8-9-10, when my fear really took off, she had already started dating my step-dad and it was no longer appropriate to share a bed with her. At my grandparents house, things were different. I stayed over at their house almost every weekend as I grew up and I loved it. They kept their bedroom open. They invited me, “If you get scared, please come stay with us!” Now, I only saw them 2 days a week, so I’m not faulting my mom for keeping her door closed. It was just life. At my grandparents, I had full access to anything I wanted. Even though I can look back on that time now and understand my mom’s boundary and its purpose, then I thought, “my grandparents know how to make me feel safe.” Thus began a long parenting journey of believing the healthiest possible parenting tool I had going for me was giving my kids full access to my life.
It doesn’t work.
It will kill you.
You will find yourself despising the tiny little army that follows you to the bathroom, into the shower, into the bedroom every night, and hanging onto your ankles as you try to go out by yourself- THE ONCE A WEEK TIME YOU GET OUT BY YOURSELF. If you teach them they have full access to you, they expect it. I have often joked that my kids think that the Bible verse, “Knock and the door will be opened to you” means that if the door is locked, and I am in the bathroom, I will open it if they annoy me enough. You see, when I had one kid, this worked. When I had two kids, I survived this. Now that I have three children, I am JUST NOW starting to understand that I need to put some personal boundaries in place that protect my needs.
I meet their needs. That means loving them. Cuddling them. Disciplining them. Serving them nutritious meals, taking them outdoors, doing fun and meaningful activities with them outside of the home. I have really happy children. But you better believe that once I popped out that 3rd child, I started to use the word NO.
Can we have more juice? “NO”
Can we have another piece of cheese? “Nope.”
Will you get me a cracker? “When I go back into the kitchen.”
I don’t know what perverted sphere of society has taught us that children can have everything they want, when they want it. I bought into it, and I remembered a tiny fragment of my childhood that reinforced, “boundaries are evil things.” I sat on the couch a couple days ago and watched 4 hours of TV. It’s true. My throat was sore, my muscles ached from my shoulders to my feet. I served breakfast, morning snack, lunch, and an afternoon snack. To my surprise, my kids survived a day of the word ‘no.’ They survived, and not only did they learn that they are not entitled to every single one of their selfish little kid whims [though I love my kids, and it pleases me to bless them], they learned that mom doesn’t dehydrate herself, or starve herself, or push herself to the brink of exhaustion when she’s sick. She takes care of herself. I think that’s a better lifestyle lesson for them to learn, as opposed to the “ask and you shall receive” principle. I really don’t think that verse applies to an abyss supply of snacks, and access to mommy in the bathroom.
Here are some tips I have to setting healthy boundaries with my kids:
1) I announce when I’m in the kitchen or bathroom, “Does anyone need anything in here?” A schedule would be ideal, but eh, it’s not my thing.
2) Sacrifice your sanity by letting your kids help you do things around the house. Do it. Let them spill the juice as they pour it into their cup, use gobs and mounds of peanut butter as they make their own sandwiches, and put groceries away in the oddest of places. There is purpose to all of this: they are learning some self-sufficiency. Whenever my almost 6 year old asks me to dress him we have an awkward moment of silence where I challenge him to a stare down. I’m not dressing a 6 year old [unless I am in a hurry!]. It’s important he learn to do these things, it’s part of growing up. If you make this all fun when they are little, helping won’t be a “chore” as they grow up.
3) I think it is a good habit in life to learn to say ‘no’ without explaining yourself. It’s part of being a healthy adult, or something like that. I, however, think it’s important to explain it to your children. They are learning about boundaries from you so it’s a good thing to say, “I can’t get you another cracker right now because I was just in the kitchen, and I plan to fold laundry for 15 minutes. How will I ever finish laundry if I keep having to stop?” The boundary can go the other way too, "Yes, I would love to see what you drew so I am going to put my word puzzle down, and I can do it later when I'm not with you."
4) Value yourself. What are your needs as a human being? Do you know them? Figure them out. My husband has a much shorter fuse than I do because he’s an introvert. Little people all-day-long start making him plum crazy. I don’t take a lot of day trips for that reason. I, however, will start to escape [sit on face book] when the kids start “running me.” That is a major trigger for me to feel overwhelmed. Sometimes when it gets really crazy I *gasp* put a clingy baby in the crib for 10 minutes so I can JUST get dinner started. I carry my baby a lot, and love her dearly. Boundaries will not make her feel unloved, they will reassure her of my love in the long run. Do you know why I started this? One time she was clinging to my hip and she lunged at the counter and spilled a glass jar. Just a huge mess, but it COULD have been a hot pot. That crib boundary is for her AND me.
I am learning this. It’s my journey. Teach yourself how to have healthy boundaries, and teach it to your kids. It is a really important life skill to have.
**We’re all getting this, right? Never would I imply to not meet your children’s needs because mom is sick, or tired, or thirsty. Just take care of yourself. Parenting is a laid down life of sacrifice, but there is no reason why we can’t enjoy the process and learn some life lessons along the way.
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