My previous blog was about discipline, and a need for sternness. This is is a continuation to that subject, but written on kindness. At first, the two topics seem unalike. However, the terms kindness and sternness might well be like tandem oars on a row boat, one pulling, one pushing, with a shared and desired destination. So while I wholeheartedly encourage any parent to pull your ‘no’ card from time to time, you will row in but a circle without your second oar of kindness.
I have often heard the verse quoted, “His kindness leads us to repentance.” [Romans 2:4] I love this scripture and saw its truth play out wonderfully yesterday.
My five year old was playing a personal defense attorney like only a five year old can, advocating she deserved a gummie treat before dinner. I pulled my ‘no’ card. She preceded to scream and inform me that life is unfair, specifically that dessert following a meal is a ludicrous idea, and we should all be free in life to enjoy dessert whenever we darn well wish- in other louder, shriller, tear-filled words.
I empathized with her, and to appease her suffering, I offered ONE gummie if she ate dinner. She agreed, until I served dinner. Apparently this was “not her favorite.”
She was sitting across from me picking apart life’s injustices related to dessert, expressing distaste towards dinner, reminding me that she had reminded me not to make this food again, and continuing to ask for a gummie just in case I had changed my mind. I finally told her, “That’s enough” and she thundered down the hallway in a huff. I followed her there once I had finished eating, condemned her attitude, but sympathized with her overall dilemma of not enjoying the food I had made. I offered to fix her a bowl of rice, without the topping. She thanked me and hugged my neck.
Off we went to the kitchen, and I slid the bowl of salted rice across the table. I went back to my motherly duties while she ate alone- unfortunately that is a natural consequence of storming off in a tantrum while the family eats dinner. She sought me out several minutes later and asked jubilantly, “HEY MOM! Now can I have my gummie?”
I sighed, “Of course you can.” I grabbed out the container of homemade strawberry gummies and though our agreement was for one, I scooped out two and placed them in her palm. She beamed, “TWO? Thanks, Mom!” I grabbed her in my arms and kissed her forehead, thankful the tantrum in its entirety seemed to be through with.
Until, I went to clear off the table, and her bowl was still mostly full of rice! I audibly gasped, and covered my mouth, “You lied to me.” I stared at her as she stuffed the second gummie into her mouth.
She froze. “Mommy- I just, I just-”
“We had a deal,” I told her.
Tears began streaming down her face, “I’m so sorry, Mommy. I’m so sorry, Mommy. You have to forgive me! I will never do that to you again.”
I was hurt, but stunned by the words coming out of her mouth. None of them were orchestrated or coerced by me. It was pure repentance- which is a golden currency in children, one we should store up in their little hearts. Except gold has great value, and a pure repentant heart is absolutely priceless. It is a most worthy goal. Not for the pain it produces- because tears streaming down my little girl’s face are not moments I enjoy, but for the humility that is cultivated in an honest apology. Once humility is present, it removes the self-defensive nature and you have two raw, vulnerable individuals with their hearts exposed. This is a good time to embrace, and rub noses, and forgive quickly.
I heard the Lord whisper in that moment, You were kind to her, and I re-envisioned the 2 gummie hand off. Kindness produces repentance.
I gave her more than our deal. More than she had imagined for herself, or even sought to barter for. She didn’t deserve it. In fact, I went out of my way to appease her selfish, haughty attitude. Yes, ME. The same mother who wrote a blog on necessary discipline. If we want to see fruit in our children, we cannot discipline apart from kindness. Recently I read a passage in the Bible that touched my heart.
It is part of Exodus 34. Moses is asking the Lord, “Please show me your greatness!” Oh, I love that. He wants to see God. He has already had the pleasure of talking to God as a friend, but he wants to SEE God. Of course, God tells him ‘no’ because it will kill him (God pulled a ‘no’ card!). God speaks His own name, and says, “I am the Lord. The Lord is a God who shows mercy and is kind. The Lord doesn’t become angry quickly. The Lord has great love and faithfulness. The Lord is kind to thousands of people. The Lord forgives people for wrong and sin and turning against Him. But the Lord does not forget to punish guilty people...” [Exodus 34:6-7]
I want to hear the Lord speak this to me audibly. In the meantime, I just close my eyes and imagine His great and majestic voice singing this declaration of His character: “THE LORD IS A GOD WHO IS KIND.” Again (also referencing Romans 11:22), we have this human perceived dichotomy of extravagant mercy and kindness from a God who will also discipline guilty people.
I do not want to do kind things for my children. I want kindness to consume my character towards them. I want kindness to be the backdrop to every lunch I make, room I demand get cleaned, and even when I discipline. In one of my favorite parenting books, “Loving the Little Years,” Lizzie [the author] tells the story of divers who search for gold underneath the ocean. They are looking for tiny particles of gold dust, of which they collect and later sell by the weight. She draws a brilliant analogy from this, saying that parenting is like dusting your children with this gold. I don’t remember her wording exactly, but she contrasts it to one giant hunk of gold. Our job as parents is to sprinkle our children with “gold dust,” little bits of sacrifice for them, praise, kindness, and simply our presence. There are parents not present at all, or ones that refuse to tame their tempers - only to drop a hunk of gold in a child’s lap when the guilt sets in, like a new toy, or a trip to Disneyland. While none of these gifts are necessarily wrong, apart from kindness, it is all simply fool’s gold. A child not sprinkled with gold will grow old enough one day to call the bluff of extravagance not anchored by the daily grind of love in action, or kindness.
Unfortunately, kindness does not guarantee good kids any more than discipline does. I have read enough of the Bible to know this. I have looked in the mirror, too. God is the portrait of perfect kindness, and humanity, in its flawed nature, does not always respond to kindness. Ah, but in humility, when we see ourselves for what we really are, and then what God has made us through Christ and grace, His kindness is a balm for all the wrong we have ever done, or will ever do. It is indeed, an anchor, that pulls us back into God’s heart.
With our children, a lifestyle of kindness is what allows us to discipline well, play hard, love
much, and yes, mess up and still maintain relationship. Ultimately, kindness removes performance from our children, encouraging humility and inviting repentance. It promotes trust, seals our affections, and displays the heart of God alongside discipline. If we need inspiration, we need only look up, to the One who is endlessly kind to His children!
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
The Problem with America is Bad Parenting
I love my country. I am one who sings about America on non-celebratory holidays. This last National Prayer Day I took time to intercede periodically, and read prophecies for America. If you know prophets, they have a tendency to be black or white. Basically, “The people are going to repent and we’ll see an outpouring of the Spirit of God or God will remove His hand of favor and we’re in big trouble.” I, too, believe we are at an enormous crossroads, and I want to forge a path towards victory by prayer and good parenting!
Allow me to explain. On National Prayer Day, I was feeling a little judgmental. While standing in the gap for this country, it takes a lot of intentional focusing on God to not feel a little slimy. The church and secular culture alike has given way to the slime. I am embarrassed to ask for God’s mercy, and yet, when I’m focusing on Him that’s what I hear Him calling me to do- mercy for us all.
During the day, my 2 year old asked for a glass of water. To cut down on dishes, we typically have a communal glass I refill multiple times a day. When you don’t own a dishwasher, communal cups and meals served on coffee filters are not uncommon. Anyway, my 2 year old said, “all gone,” and just as she held the glass out to me, it slipped through her sticky fingers and shattered on our tile floor. I really shouldn’t be allowed a tile floor. In either case, there went our 14th glass. I commanded my 2 year old to STAY on the bench while I slipped on shoes and returned to clean up the mess. My kitchen floor is horribly abandoned, and broken glasses are great excuses to sweep. As I went about it, my 2 year old noticed a cardboard tile from the dismantled Game of Life being swept into the dust pan and she began to fight for it with great toddler zeal, “MINE!”
I told her “No. It is mixed with glass and I will not get it. You have lots of tiles. Can I find another for you when I finish this?”
She leapt off the bench to throw her half naked body into the pile of glass, “MINE!” I lifted her from the pile without a scratch. In that moment, I heard the Lord, “This is the problem in America.”
What?
Bad parenting.
I hauled my 2 year old to “no fun time,” aka her crib, and came back to finish my job. The scene replayed in my head, my 2 year old tossing herself into a pile of glass for a LIFE tile, of which we have 30 hiding around our house. I could clearly see the danger, and yet, she had focused her narrow eyes on something minuscule. I thought about our slimy culture, the one I was praying for mercy upon, and what the Lord was trying to show me clicked: no one wants to hear the word NO.
But if you want your children to know God for all of their days, that word is going to come up. And they are going to have to decide how they feel about it.
How does our ego feel about that word?
Well, it’s a Bible word, and it’s packed with power and fire. It burns. When the word is spoken it is either ignored- with a heap of excuses. Or received- and it produces refinement.
I love giving my kids choices, and letting them operate in freedom. I love allowing consequences to give lessons. Still, I say ‘no’ sometimes, because that’s what God does. Standards are part of God’s nature, and it’s our place as parents to reflect that in a healthy manner to our children so they will receive the refinement, and not reject its purpose.
Here are some thoughts I have on when to use that word, and how to use it to draw your kids closer to God, and not away from Him.
1) Using “no” establishes your authority as a parent. Feel free to throw that back on God like so, “God told me that as your parent, I’m in charge of teaching you to be a kind and loving human being. Right now, what you’re doing is not appropriate because...” Keep in mind, God is the perfect authoritarian. I love the verse in Romans that says, “Notice God is both kind and severe.” You’re not a perfect parent, but you can capture the concept by speaking the truth in love. Sometimes the truth is, “No, you can’t do that,” and it’s because you love them. Don’t forget to explain that part, not just in words, but by spending time with your kids doing the things they love to do.
2) Get out of way. This is one of my core beliefs, and it just worked like a charm. My daughter has been getting into a Disney show that began showing witchcraft themes. We expose our kids to Disney movies and are pro-princess culture, right? But, I have gone through deliverance as a result of the spirit of witchcraft in my past, and I never want that for my kids. I am wary of themes in media that make witchcraft look healthy and normal. This show began teetering on that and my discernment was swirling. Whenever I see witchcraft in a movie, let’s say the movie Brave for example, we will sit down multiple times and I will tell my children, “Witchcraft is bad. It does not honor God. There is no such thing as a good witch.” My kids probably recite this in their sleep because we allow them freedom while laying a foundation of truth. Still, we have a discernment lead standard.
In this last situation, I really did not want to take the show from my daughter because I could see her heart was completely innocent. Still, the devil did not deserve a foothold. I took my own advice and decided to pull out my ‘no’ card.
Right away, she put up a fight, “BUT WHY???”
Remember, this is not a “because I said so,” deal. I explained this show had crossed the line.
Still, “But Moooom!!” I decided to make a deal with her. I said, “Get into the secret place and ask God if you can watch it. If He says you can, I’ll let you.”
[With my oldest son in the background hollering, "I already asked God and he said NO." I'm not condoning his holier than thou approach!]
She sighed, “I don’t think I’m going to watch it anymore...it's just too much magic for me.”
The atmosphere changed and she gladly chose another show. Later she was playing a Disney game on the I-pad and she came to tell me, "I tried playing a game from that show, buuuuut I turned it off because I saw the same magic in it that was in the show."
Oh my heart. I gave her the biggest hug and reassured her, "You are going to change the world, girlfriend."
3) Save your ‘no’s’ for life or death situations. God doesn’t say ‘no' for the sake of being harsh, but because He sees the glass. And that 100% includes moral dilemmas. Immorality leads to death, and unlike your child falling off a cliff and resting in the arms of Jesus, the kind of death sin leads to is separation from God. Always take the time to say ‘no’ to unkindness, violent sibling rivalry, lying, stealing, cursing and the likes. There are so many opportunities for positive parenting and redirecting. In fact, many parenting approaches now discourage the word ‘no’ and instead tell you to say, “How about this instead?” That’s all fine and good, but when there sin is involved, I take the time to tell my kids ‘no'.
4) Show them the glass. Explain to them unkindness (or whatever the offense was) leads to a lonely life with no friends. Remind them how stepping on glass feels, in other words, how it felt when someone was unkind to them. Help pull them up, guide their eyes away from the chaos to two people, them and their sibling, or friend, or even YOU. Pull them up, and pull them out. By this, I mean, what’s in their heart? Were they offended? Angry? Hurt? Scared? Most naughty behavior stems from these places. Bad fruit has a root. Have them make appropriate amends for the fruit, but you and them and God need to deal with the root.
Now speaking of roots, the lack of the word 'no' in our culture is not the only cause for corruption.
But roots are.
Roots are deep and broad and can rarely be seen above the surface. Yet, they produce a variety of fruit, both sweet and sour. Let’s speak on the sour though: lying, cheating, addiction, perversion, money-worship, fame-worship, all of this and more, traced back to a root. Roots are typically unmet needs. They flourish when we believe lies that help us to cope with the shame and fear that follow a lifestyle of coddling our unmet needs, as opposed to healing them through Godly identity.
Some parents are really good at saying ‘no’. In fact, I heard a mother at the park several days ago who was especially good at it, with a couple curse words thrown in, and a slap. Certainly when I promote telling our children 'no,' this is a non-existent item on my agenda. America has a problem because her people are lacking their Godly identity, which is meant to be reflected by loving, firm, kind, severe, patient, persistent, consistent parenting.
The reason kids, including God’s grown up kids, do not appreciate hearing 'no' is because they learned from their parents that it wasn’t a good thing. 'No' meant punishment and discipline and being wrong. 'No' meant you don’t get your way.
There are higher and better ways to use the word 'no' in our children’s lives. Ways that will burn away human nature {yes, sometimes that isn’t pleasant} but will produce sweet fruit, exceptional character, and above all else, a yieldedness towards Godly authority. I pray this fruit for all of your children, and declare that as our children choose to willingly submit to a loving authority, they will be unstoppable as they age. They will become an underground resistance that will rise up in a short amount of time and change the destiny of this country, to forever rest in the favor God gives to all who are faithful, obedient, and desire His righteousness.
Also, here is a sequel to this blog post: Kindness
Allow me to explain. On National Prayer Day, I was feeling a little judgmental. While standing in the gap for this country, it takes a lot of intentional focusing on God to not feel a little slimy. The church and secular culture alike has given way to the slime. I am embarrassed to ask for God’s mercy, and yet, when I’m focusing on Him that’s what I hear Him calling me to do- mercy for us all.
During the day, my 2 year old asked for a glass of water. To cut down on dishes, we typically have a communal glass I refill multiple times a day. When you don’t own a dishwasher, communal cups and meals served on coffee filters are not uncommon. Anyway, my 2 year old said, “all gone,” and just as she held the glass out to me, it slipped through her sticky fingers and shattered on our tile floor. I really shouldn’t be allowed a tile floor. In either case, there went our 14th glass. I commanded my 2 year old to STAY on the bench while I slipped on shoes and returned to clean up the mess. My kitchen floor is horribly abandoned, and broken glasses are great excuses to sweep. As I went about it, my 2 year old noticed a cardboard tile from the dismantled Game of Life being swept into the dust pan and she began to fight for it with great toddler zeal, “MINE!”
I told her “No. It is mixed with glass and I will not get it. You have lots of tiles. Can I find another for you when I finish this?”
She leapt off the bench to throw her half naked body into the pile of glass, “MINE!” I lifted her from the pile without a scratch. In that moment, I heard the Lord, “This is the problem in America.”
What?
Bad parenting.
I hauled my 2 year old to “no fun time,” aka her crib, and came back to finish my job. The scene replayed in my head, my 2 year old tossing herself into a pile of glass for a LIFE tile, of which we have 30 hiding around our house. I could clearly see the danger, and yet, she had focused her narrow eyes on something minuscule. I thought about our slimy culture, the one I was praying for mercy upon, and what the Lord was trying to show me clicked: no one wants to hear the word NO.
But if you want your children to know God for all of their days, that word is going to come up. And they are going to have to decide how they feel about it.
How does our ego feel about that word?
Well, it’s a Bible word, and it’s packed with power and fire. It burns. When the word is spoken it is either ignored- with a heap of excuses. Or received- and it produces refinement.
I love giving my kids choices, and letting them operate in freedom. I love allowing consequences to give lessons. Still, I say ‘no’ sometimes, because that’s what God does. Standards are part of God’s nature, and it’s our place as parents to reflect that in a healthy manner to our children so they will receive the refinement, and not reject its purpose.
Here are some thoughts I have on when to use that word, and how to use it to draw your kids closer to God, and not away from Him.
1) Using “no” establishes your authority as a parent. Feel free to throw that back on God like so, “God told me that as your parent, I’m in charge of teaching you to be a kind and loving human being. Right now, what you’re doing is not appropriate because...” Keep in mind, God is the perfect authoritarian. I love the verse in Romans that says, “Notice God is both kind and severe.” You’re not a perfect parent, but you can capture the concept by speaking the truth in love. Sometimes the truth is, “No, you can’t do that,” and it’s because you love them. Don’t forget to explain that part, not just in words, but by spending time with your kids doing the things they love to do.
2) Get out of way. This is one of my core beliefs, and it just worked like a charm. My daughter has been getting into a Disney show that began showing witchcraft themes. We expose our kids to Disney movies and are pro-princess culture, right? But, I have gone through deliverance as a result of the spirit of witchcraft in my past, and I never want that for my kids. I am wary of themes in media that make witchcraft look healthy and normal. This show began teetering on that and my discernment was swirling. Whenever I see witchcraft in a movie, let’s say the movie Brave for example, we will sit down multiple times and I will tell my children, “Witchcraft is bad. It does not honor God. There is no such thing as a good witch.” My kids probably recite this in their sleep because we allow them freedom while laying a foundation of truth. Still, we have a discernment lead standard.
In this last situation, I really did not want to take the show from my daughter because I could see her heart was completely innocent. Still, the devil did not deserve a foothold. I took my own advice and decided to pull out my ‘no’ card.
Right away, she put up a fight, “BUT WHY???”
Remember, this is not a “because I said so,” deal. I explained this show had crossed the line.
Still, “But Moooom!!” I decided to make a deal with her. I said, “Get into the secret place and ask God if you can watch it. If He says you can, I’ll let you.”
[With my oldest son in the background hollering, "I already asked God and he said NO." I'm not condoning his holier than thou approach!]
She sighed, “I don’t think I’m going to watch it anymore...it's just too much magic for me.”
The atmosphere changed and she gladly chose another show. Later she was playing a Disney game on the I-pad and she came to tell me, "I tried playing a game from that show, buuuuut I turned it off because I saw the same magic in it that was in the show."
Oh my heart. I gave her the biggest hug and reassured her, "You are going to change the world, girlfriend."
3) Save your ‘no’s’ for life or death situations. God doesn’t say ‘no' for the sake of being harsh, but because He sees the glass. And that 100% includes moral dilemmas. Immorality leads to death, and unlike your child falling off a cliff and resting in the arms of Jesus, the kind of death sin leads to is separation from God. Always take the time to say ‘no’ to unkindness, violent sibling rivalry, lying, stealing, cursing and the likes. There are so many opportunities for positive parenting and redirecting. In fact, many parenting approaches now discourage the word ‘no’ and instead tell you to say, “How about this instead?” That’s all fine and good, but when there sin is involved, I take the time to tell my kids ‘no'.
4) Show them the glass. Explain to them unkindness (or whatever the offense was) leads to a lonely life with no friends. Remind them how stepping on glass feels, in other words, how it felt when someone was unkind to them. Help pull them up, guide their eyes away from the chaos to two people, them and their sibling, or friend, or even YOU. Pull them up, and pull them out. By this, I mean, what’s in their heart? Were they offended? Angry? Hurt? Scared? Most naughty behavior stems from these places. Bad fruit has a root. Have them make appropriate amends for the fruit, but you and them and God need to deal with the root.
Now speaking of roots, the lack of the word 'no' in our culture is not the only cause for corruption.
But roots are.
Roots are deep and broad and can rarely be seen above the surface. Yet, they produce a variety of fruit, both sweet and sour. Let’s speak on the sour though: lying, cheating, addiction, perversion, money-worship, fame-worship, all of this and more, traced back to a root. Roots are typically unmet needs. They flourish when we believe lies that help us to cope with the shame and fear that follow a lifestyle of coddling our unmet needs, as opposed to healing them through Godly identity.
Some parents are really good at saying ‘no’. In fact, I heard a mother at the park several days ago who was especially good at it, with a couple curse words thrown in, and a slap. Certainly when I promote telling our children 'no,' this is a non-existent item on my agenda. America has a problem because her people are lacking their Godly identity, which is meant to be reflected by loving, firm, kind, severe, patient, persistent, consistent parenting.
The reason kids, including God’s grown up kids, do not appreciate hearing 'no' is because they learned from their parents that it wasn’t a good thing. 'No' meant punishment and discipline and being wrong. 'No' meant you don’t get your way.
There are higher and better ways to use the word 'no' in our children’s lives. Ways that will burn away human nature {yes, sometimes that isn’t pleasant} but will produce sweet fruit, exceptional character, and above all else, a yieldedness towards Godly authority. I pray this fruit for all of your children, and declare that as our children choose to willingly submit to a loving authority, they will be unstoppable as they age. They will become an underground resistance that will rise up in a short amount of time and change the destiny of this country, to forever rest in the favor God gives to all who are faithful, obedient, and desire His righteousness.
Also, here is a sequel to this blog post: Kindness
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