My previous blog was about discipline, and a need for sternness. This is is a continuation to that subject, but written on kindness. At first, the two topics seem unalike. However, the terms kindness and sternness might well be like tandem oars on a row boat, one pulling, one pushing, with a shared and desired destination. So while I wholeheartedly encourage any parent to pull your ‘no’ card from time to time, you will row in but a circle without your second oar of kindness.
I have often heard the verse quoted, “His kindness leads us to repentance.” [Romans 2:4] I love this scripture and saw its truth play out wonderfully yesterday.
My five year old was playing a personal defense attorney like only a five year old can, advocating she deserved a gummie treat before dinner. I pulled my ‘no’ card. She preceded to scream and inform me that life is unfair, specifically that dessert following a meal is a ludicrous idea, and we should all be free in life to enjoy dessert whenever we darn well wish- in other louder, shriller, tear-filled words.
I empathized with her, and to appease her suffering, I offered ONE gummie if she ate dinner. She agreed, until I served dinner. Apparently this was “not her favorite.”
She was sitting across from me picking apart life’s injustices related to dessert, expressing distaste towards dinner, reminding me that she had reminded me not to make this food again, and continuing to ask for a gummie just in case I had changed my mind. I finally told her, “That’s enough” and she thundered down the hallway in a huff. I followed her there once I had finished eating, condemned her attitude, but sympathized with her overall dilemma of not enjoying the food I had made. I offered to fix her a bowl of rice, without the topping. She thanked me and hugged my neck.
Off we went to the kitchen, and I slid the bowl of salted rice across the table. I went back to my motherly duties while she ate alone- unfortunately that is a natural consequence of storming off in a tantrum while the family eats dinner. She sought me out several minutes later and asked jubilantly, “HEY MOM! Now can I have my gummie?”
I sighed, “Of course you can.” I grabbed out the container of homemade strawberry gummies and though our agreement was for one, I scooped out two and placed them in her palm. She beamed, “TWO? Thanks, Mom!” I grabbed her in my arms and kissed her forehead, thankful the tantrum in its entirety seemed to be through with.
Until, I went to clear off the table, and her bowl was still mostly full of rice! I audibly gasped, and covered my mouth, “You lied to me.” I stared at her as she stuffed the second gummie into her mouth.
She froze. “Mommy- I just, I just-”
“We had a deal,” I told her.
Tears began streaming down her face, “I’m so sorry, Mommy. I’m so sorry, Mommy. You have to forgive me! I will never do that to you again.”
I was hurt, but stunned by the words coming out of her mouth. None of them were orchestrated or coerced by me. It was pure repentance- which is a golden currency in children, one we should store up in their little hearts. Except gold has great value, and a pure repentant heart is absolutely priceless. It is a most worthy goal. Not for the pain it produces- because tears streaming down my little girl’s face are not moments I enjoy, but for the humility that is cultivated in an honest apology. Once humility is present, it removes the self-defensive nature and you have two raw, vulnerable individuals with their hearts exposed. This is a good time to embrace, and rub noses, and forgive quickly.
I heard the Lord whisper in that moment, You were kind to her, and I re-envisioned the 2 gummie hand off. Kindness produces repentance.
I gave her more than our deal. More than she had imagined for herself, or even sought to barter for. She didn’t deserve it. In fact, I went out of my way to appease her selfish, haughty attitude. Yes, ME. The same mother who wrote a blog on necessary discipline. If we want to see fruit in our children, we cannot discipline apart from kindness. Recently I read a passage in the Bible that touched my heart.
It is part of Exodus 34. Moses is asking the Lord, “Please show me your greatness!” Oh, I love that. He wants to see God. He has already had the pleasure of talking to God as a friend, but he wants to SEE God. Of course, God tells him ‘no’ because it will kill him (God pulled a ‘no’ card!). God speaks His own name, and says, “I am the Lord. The Lord is a God who shows mercy and is kind. The Lord doesn’t become angry quickly. The Lord has great love and faithfulness. The Lord is kind to thousands of people. The Lord forgives people for wrong and sin and turning against Him. But the Lord does not forget to punish guilty people...” [Exodus 34:6-7]
I want to hear the Lord speak this to me audibly. In the meantime, I just close my eyes and imagine His great and majestic voice singing this declaration of His character: “THE LORD IS A GOD WHO IS KIND.” Again (also referencing Romans 11:22), we have this human perceived dichotomy of extravagant mercy and kindness from a God who will also discipline guilty people.
I do not want to do kind things for my children. I want kindness to consume my character towards them. I want kindness to be the backdrop to every lunch I make, room I demand get cleaned, and even when I discipline. In one of my favorite parenting books, “Loving the Little Years,” Lizzie [the author] tells the story of divers who search for gold underneath the ocean. They are looking for tiny particles of gold dust, of which they collect and later sell by the weight. She draws a brilliant analogy from this, saying that parenting is like dusting your children with this gold. I don’t remember her wording exactly, but she contrasts it to one giant hunk of gold. Our job as parents is to sprinkle our children with “gold dust,” little bits of sacrifice for them, praise, kindness, and simply our presence. There are parents not present at all, or ones that refuse to tame their tempers - only to drop a hunk of gold in a child’s lap when the guilt sets in, like a new toy, or a trip to Disneyland. While none of these gifts are necessarily wrong, apart from kindness, it is all simply fool’s gold. A child not sprinkled with gold will grow old enough one day to call the bluff of extravagance not anchored by the daily grind of love in action, or kindness.
Unfortunately, kindness does not guarantee good kids any more than discipline does. I have read enough of the Bible to know this. I have looked in the mirror, too. God is the portrait of perfect kindness, and humanity, in its flawed nature, does not always respond to kindness. Ah, but in humility, when we see ourselves for what we really are, and then what God has made us through Christ and grace, His kindness is a balm for all the wrong we have ever done, or will ever do. It is indeed, an anchor, that pulls us back into God’s heart.
With our children, a lifestyle of kindness is what allows us to discipline well, play hard, love
much, and yes, mess up and still maintain relationship. Ultimately, kindness removes performance from our children, encouraging humility and inviting repentance. It promotes trust, seals our affections, and displays the heart of God alongside discipline. If we need inspiration, we need only look up, to the One who is endlessly kind to His children!
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