God's Will

It is really easy for me to feel talent-less. Probably because I spend a lot of time comparing myself to others that I consider to be blessed, and I look at myself and wonder where God went wrong.

Why can’t I play music? Why can’t I sing? Why can’t I paint? Why can’t I take a decent picture? How come I don’t like reading novels?

All of these thoughts swirl around in a mass of confusion that has just become my mommy brain, and I deduct quite easily, I must be an idiot.

“God’s will” is one of my favorite concepts but I can’t say that I ever quite understand what on earth it means. For me, that is. I can look at my husband and know exactly what he was put on this earth to do. It’s a no-brainer kind of thing. You probably know what he’s supposed to do with his life too, it’s really not that difficult. But for me, I just never know. I am finding things that I enjoy, like sewing, baking, cooking, raising babies, and the homemaking likes. Still, what do I really enjoy? Well I have to ask that question because I’m pretty sure that I’ve heard God’s will lies in who you are, what you like to do, and what the world needs. There is some fancy quote that ties up that point nicely, but I don’t have time to google it. My bedtime is in 30 minutes. I have been in careful contemplation today. Because my husband did something really big last week. He applied to a Bible school. This is something I have been begging him to do for years. Yes, I know we have barely any money. And we have children coming out of our ears, growing in my womb, family all over the map, and I guess my point is: we have nothing figured out. It’s funny how that is when God usually stirs us towards new things. Uh, shouldn’t we be settled first? He wants us to move to a place of not knowing. So we can trust Him even more, that’s my best guess. I do, I am totally down with doing whatever He has for us. There is that money thing though and I look around me at Mommies doing their business things and I am happy for them, but definitely a little envious. I watched my talented sister in law raise money for her and Andrew’s Africa trip, and now that my husband wishes to embark on something new and God ordained I feel this rush of energy in the core of my being. I CAN help make this happen for him!! I can do it!! I can do something that is worth monetary gain! I can!!

Like…uhhh….umm….hmmmm…such as,….hmmm….*random mannerism I do as I think*
…hmmm. Let’s see…uhhhh….What the heck am I good at?

You see my dilemma, I believe. So I have been in need of vision here, that is the plot of this blog. It occurred to me earlier as I thought about what I want to do with my life that when I think about the things I enjoy when I am not being mom or wife or friend, I am just being ME, my life always seems to lead me right back here to this keyboard. To my blog. To my feelings poured out on paper, and my thoughts spilled out into the open so they don’t excite me before I sleep. In the afternoons, when I can barely keep my eyes open I look at the couch and day dream what it might be like to nap. I make time for naps every day. But somehow I regularly opt for something hot to drink, and I’m pulled up in a chair in front of our laptop. Because this is what I love, I am convinced that somehow writing is what I am meant to do.

I have written a children’s book, but I can’t afford to get it published just yet. I am halfway finished with two different novels. I love to write narratives, but just cannot find the time or inspiration to give them what they deserve. One day. But for now, I love this blog. I love doing this and so I pitched upgrading my blog to my own domain name today and my husband agreed. He said yes! So this evening has been one of great dreams, and an ambition the size of Jupiter. What should I call my blog? Should it be about my family, or my faith, or just whatever happens to be on my mind? I just can’t say. I am excited at what God is stirring in my heart. 


And yes, all of this scheming was jumpstarted because I want to help my husband make ends meet in this drab economy. I want to one day turn an income. There is my dream. Don’t laugh at me. But more than anything, I want to continue doing something that exercises my soul. I want to be heard. I want to help others in their struggles to understand themselves, their marriages, and family, and even God. Because I am on a journey too and believe it or not, I’ve somehow been where you are or I’m probably going there one day. I hope you’re not laughing at me. Did I say that already? Truthfully, to God’s credit alone, I have had probably 60 messages on face book since I started my blog. People who I do not even keep in touch with have written me to tell me that my blog touched them. And even though I look at myself in the mirror and yes, I think idiot, the feedback I have gotten from this measly little blog has to mean something.

I don’t know why people are touched by what I say. My nearest guess is that I am a real person (or God, I hope I am!). I do try to be edifying, or encouraging, or at least share what the Lord has been teaching me in different areas. Maybe I do an idiotic job at it. *sigh*

Trying to be encouraging here. This is wild for me. So go do something that’s wild for you too! There, I said it. I heard a really great message one time on how sometimes we’re afraid to pick apples because if they fall on the ground, they are no good anymore. But we shouldn’t be afraid because there is never a second that God won’t use our failed attempts for something. Even if it becomes an apple for someone else, or fertilizer for the ground. Your apples are going to fall from the tree. Who cares? The trees are full of ‘em. Let’s get busy gathering, the Christian life is anything but ordinary.

What do you want to do?