Two days I found myself complaining a good bit. I was so eager for something new while we were in Tuolumne County I hastily agreed to give up everything for this move. I wanted to more than anything, honestly. I wanted it for my husband most of all, knowing that whatever good he was getting would undoubtedly ripple on down to the rest of us Krismanits. I could feel something lacking in my own heart and I wanted my life to be shaken up, to be broken down and emptied out, then filled back up with a living God that I could trust and love as a Daddy. I was certain this revelation would happen for me while attending Bethel, given their reputation and all. Maybe I was putting all my eggs in one basket, but I did think everything would get better and break through for us as we passed into Shasta County.
But I can’t say that I have felt that way. Instead, I have been away from my husband more than I was used to, at least in the past couple of months. I am next door to a great city full of wonderful things to do, and I probably couldn’t find the grocery store if I wanted to. I kept telling myself, “next week I’ll explore,” but that was about the time that Cori surprised us with her 35 week fiasco. I still cannot believe I am pregnant, just want to insert that here! So then I was down and out, watching a 2 and a 4 year old at home, humbly aware that a baby was on its way any day and I was completely and utterly unprepared. And even if I wanted to prepare, I couldn’t because we are so low on money it’s not funny. “HAHA!” That is me laughing at the lies of the enemy because I know that we will be fine, I know God will provide. But I can’t say that I haven’t been freaking out a little since I left my crib in Sonora, gave away my swing and rocking chair, sold the changing table and dresser. I feel like a really crappy mother. Cori is coming home to a fold up bassinet, and two wicker baskets of used blankets. No trendy hair bows. No blankets that I sewed for her. No diapers tucked in a drawer, no wipe warmer, no “new home from the hospital” outfit. My heart was so fine with that when we left Sonora because I knew that the sacrifice would be worth the final prize, for Paul to have some credentials to follow his dreams. But lately my flesh has been catching up with me. Everything we have is reserved for payments to Bethel so Paul can continue going to school. We are still trusting the Lord for our last payment. And when I go into the thick, tangible presence of the Lord while at Bethel, I just break down because I become so aware of how useless I am without my friend, Jesus, whom I hardly acknowledge because I feel so beaten down and lonely since I've gotten here.
You shouldn’t feel sorry for me, by the way. My Mom sent plenty of clothes in the mail for Cori. When the time comes, we’ll get diapers and be fine. I’ll change those runny little newborn diapers on a towel on the floor. Wal-mart food is not killing my children. I know I’ll be fine if I don’t shop, though I have even gone to the extent to tell Paul, “don’t let me out of this house alone!” I have been so tempted to open up a credit card account just to buy some fabric and one outfit for the baby. All the while I’m crying, “I swear I’m grateful, I swear I’m content,” but the truth is, I haven’t been. This is a journey for me.
Basically, I am a rotten Israelite. I totally get it. I really wanted to cry to Paul about it, put him down a little since HE DID THIS TO ME! But I really felt like what he shared with me was wisdom. He said, “What have you prayed for that you didn’t get?” And he’s right.
A new baby, check.
Trip to North Carolina, check
Nice car seat, check
Move to Redding, check
A nice house, check
A backyard, check
Dogs can come, check
Dependable support system, check
Geeze, why am I complaining? What do I have to lament? Absolutely nothing.
So there it is, my heart. I knew what I was giving up when I moved here, and I wish I wouldn’t look back like I have. Paul reminded me that I had all of those “superficial” things in Sonora and I still hungered for Redding. He’s so right, I wanted this. Why is it so hard? Why do I feel, dare I utter the word, depressed? Desperately homesick? Needy?
Because this is what being broken and poured out feels like. And soon, God, I pray this little mini season ends. Not because God is going to change my freewill, but because I am so determined to be a strong woman of God and not a brat. Because between Heidi Baker and “standard mom of society,” I know what I really want. The choice hurts though. The tearing away from the norm is not fun.
And I do not think that we will be “without” forever. I believe with all of my heart that God is going to bless us with more than we can contain so that we can be more of a blessing to others. I certainly don’t think of “trendy, nice things” as a sin, but my problem with it is, I guess, that as of late I have seen the coveting of these things pulling me away from the Father’s plan for my family, for now. I have been thinking about the connection between having a grateful heart, and having peace. And I need peace so I’m going to began a journey of drastically appreciating all that I have, and all that God has already done. Because when I think about it, really, it’s more than enough.
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