First Fruits

Do you know what I feel like doing? I would like to grab an overstuffed pillow and bury my face in the center and scream. I think that is the only way for me to truly convey how I feel in my spirit. I am so utterly exhausted and pushed to limits I didn’t even realize that I had. I am sick, tired, sad, angry, and yes, in the past couple of weeks I’ve wondered if my family has simply fallen off of God’s radar. Life isn’t so bad if I’m being rational, but I’m not. I’ve given myself permission to not be rational in this season because every day is intensely insane. I’ve determined that I would be innately crazy if I didn’t feel like I was partially losing my mind each day. Does that make sense?  If I want to let my kids play video games for two hours in the middle of the day so I can nap on the couch, I’m going to do it. We just ate bananas for lunch. And Sonora just asked me if I took any medicine and I informed her that “coffee” is mommy’s medicine. I would not finish this season alive if not for coffee. If this is the way I am surviving, I don’t even know how my husband is going to pull off his 12 hour day of work and school. I am praying for him constantly. And eating lots of ice cream. This season has no rules.
But do you know why I am sitting up, typing, talking, functioning, and determining for my life to go on? Because that is the way the kingdom of God works, a drab season will not last forever and if you sow, there will be a season of reaping. If I have any doubts about the direction my life is going, I can read the Beatitudes:

3Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
5Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

That is how I feel exactly. I have been wondering if I will ever be healthy again, if I’m going to have to get rid of my dog, if my kids will ever be on a schedule again, and lastly, if my heart will ever stop aching. My husband and I have prayed for these things on the other end, for the promises to be brought to fruition. We want the nations. We want deep, genuine intimacy with our Father. And we want to see the kingdom expanded into every atmosphere we step foot. So while the enemy thinks he can rob everything from us, I just have to choose to see the bigger picture, even in this storm. I have to choose to see the fruits of the season that is on its way.

 Several days ago Paul said he felt like we needed to fast together, write out a list of our housing needs, and bless them. Here is what we wrote:

“God, we declare that you have set aside the perfect house for our family, in your perfect timing. We trust that you will provide a house in the next three days, and that we will know beyond a doubt that it is the right house for our family.

The house we want has three bedrooms, and a fenced back yard, and will be very open to housing our dogs. The house will come with the basic house needs such as refrigerator, washer, and dryer. We need a house that will stay warm in the winter, and cool in the summer. Above all else, we wish to be in a safe area that Summer can stay alone at night and be comfortable.”

A lady wrote us two days later and asked us to go see her home in Redding, only five minutes from Bethel campus. Another first year student already lives there, as well as another guy who is visiting Redding short term. The house is well within our budget with all of the extra roommates so we went to see the house. It was exactly what we prayed for, minus that it 100% lacked a woman’s touch. I don’t know, the house shocked me when I walked through the door because it needs some work. But the backyard is a haven. It is large, fenced in, and in the middle is a beautiful grapefruit tree bursting with fruit. I wanted to hug it and I don’t know why! I think, to me, it was a symbol of life. It was a symbol of God’s love for me. I plucked one right off the tree and couldn’t believe I was holding a homegrown grapefruit in my hand. I carried it into the car, and as soon as we got home I cut it open and shared it with the children. They were not particularly impressed, but I thought it was yummy and sweet. It was like the Lord showed me as I was eating this grapefruit that this was the first “fruit” of a new season. A new place to live, closer to Bethel, without dog drama, and not only that, but a breakthrough in our prayer life. We declared it, prayed it, and saw it come to fruition. It was a reminder of His faithfulness.

(I usually don't clean the counter tops when I have the flu, forgive me. Hopefully you are distracted by the beautiful homegrown grapefruit.)

I spent yesterday in inner turmoil because I felt like such a failure. How many times do I move into a house and think of all the things I want to update and change, but I never do? I get complacent and I stop short of finishing. I guess I don't care that much, except that lingering feeling in my spirit that I never finish what I start. I never accomplish my goals.
I forget that this is a new season, which means that who I was a year ago doesn’t necessarily mean that is who I am. I don’t think our experiences have to dictate our reality in the kingdom of God. For one, we have scripture to tell us the truth. Then, there is the fact that God is always moving us from glory to glory. I’ve always heard Christians say that, and now that my husband is a BSSM student, he tells me this all the time. God is going to move us forward. And to me, this means that even where I failed there is so much room for me to start anew. There is room for me to see more of God.

And I need a new start, or my kids and I may become societal invalids.

So here is to a new season.  Here is to the first fruits of a new season.  We are so ready.

Laboring and Grief

     I feel like the Lord gave me a picture of this season in my life. I was lying on the floor next to Sonora’s bed waiting on her to fall asleep and I saw it so clearly. Jake was having quiet time, and I had just gotten the baby to sleep. Daddy was at work, and though this weekend was supposed to be a restful one I cannot help but to feel overwhelmed. As I was reflecting on the events that have unfolded over the last several months, and even weeks, I got a picture of labor in my mind. I feel like I am in a spiritual sort of labor, one contraction after the other. I am so worn out. I am so tired. I am tired of all of the things that happen in one day, how grief causes even little hiccups to seem like really big, avalanche-like, my-world-is-crashing-down-on-me mentality type moments. If I am standing back being rational, it isn’t so bad: Sonora Grace wouldn’t eat lunch today. Jake won’t sit and do anything quietly for his quiet time so I gave in and let him play with my phone. The baby just woke up 30 minutes early so I nursed her back to sleep instead of making her cry. My days look nothing like intentional structure, they look like contractions. Some worse than others. And it hurts, and sometimes I just want to back up and pray that it stops. The thing about labor is that it doesn’t stop, and it won’t until you accept it, give in to the pain, and co-labor with what the body is doing...with the natural process God has put into place long before any of us experienced it. The process of birth. The process of pain. The process of grieving.
I have written so much in these last couple of days, but I can’t seem to get my head wrapped around how I actually feel. This season has been difficult because I miss my mother in law so much. This morning I had a crisis and I wanted to call her because she was someone who would have understood my heart. She would have gotten it. I miss her. I see her pictures and I think of hundreds of memories, all different ones and I am so sad that 100 years from now I probably won’t remember them all.
I feel like in my spirit I am just holding to my contracting uterus, waiting on the “baby” to come, that promise that God is going to redeem all of this, that He will make it good. But I am aching now, nauseous and shaking all over, simply too tired to push. I am too tired to keep praying. In the final minutes before Cori’s arrival I wanted to give up, but as any mother knows in that place, the only answer is to push through the pain. If  you want the pain to be over, you have to surrender to it. Even if you don’t, the show must go on. So today was that day where I said “no more Lord, make it stop,” and the Lord gave me a picture of a birth and I realized the only way to make it through this season is rest on his chest, squeeze his hand as hard as I can, and cry.
The biggest contraction happened this morning, our roommates asked us to give up our dog, Rush. He is truly a horrible dog. He is a dog from the shelter with multiple issues and I have thought numerous times to myself, 'A dog runs my life! This is ridiculous!'. But our roommates shouldn’t have to keep living their lives around Rush’s finicky ways and I wouldn’t ask them to (in short, he would like to kill their dog). So we have to move, right now, because I cannot and I definitely will not ask Paul to give up our dog after everything he has lost. God told me when we moved to Redding I could keep my dog (getting to Redding…another painful birth I remember well!). I am OK with this decision, and I have loved my roommates dearly. I understand. And I am actually excited to find a new place and buy Craiglist furniture and make a home for my family out here. Maybe it is part of the birth, the new life that God is bringing. I don’t know. Right now though, it’s just so painful and the fact that my life is going to look completely different in February than it does right now is a scary thing. It’s all so much, but I am surrendering now because I know God is doing something big in our lives.
Whether it feels this way or not, birth is an intentional process. God is moving us forward.  I can remember once looking to people who were hurting for my source of strength. It seemed like they would have a special access to God because they had no other choice but to hold to Him as they walked through cancer, or death of a loved one. It’s true. God is close. He is faithful, and I love Him dearly. But loving God doesn’t take the pain away, and the fact that my precious friend and mother-in-law is in Heaven makes me angry, not happy. I hope I haven’t shattered your perception of what it looks like to love God and walk through a dark trial. The truth is, Jesus cried too, He wept.  And I am sure that no one is judging me (in fact, I am probably the guilty offender here), but just wanted to say that in this season God has been faithful, He’s given us a promise, He’s called this next year redeemed, and it isn’t over yet. Sometimes though, I get so lost in the pain and I forget about the new life coming. Please continue to carry me in your prayers, my whole sweet family.

Learning to Dream

     I have never been much of a dreamer. My dream growing up was to get married and have kids. That was it. Since those things came true relatively early in life I have found myself in a bit of a conundrum. Don’t I have anything I want to accomplish? Living in Bethel culture you began to realize that it’s really stupid not to dream, especially when we serve a really big God who apparently gave us our dreams. Hmmm. Sometimes I forget to dream because I am in a season of such exhaustion and chaos that I feel like I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Not that my kids are a cold, dark, dreary tunnel I dread traveling but puhlease, let’s not pretend that parenting toddlers is simple. I love those guys so much, but I feel anything but like a future educated world renown romantic novel series author.
So in the midst of my grief journey I thought it would be fun to read a fun book. Not “Beyond Grief,” which I am also reading. But something that would draw me close to the Father’s heart and help me to experience some enjoyment in his presence. Not sadness. So I found this book in my roommate’s office and immediately began to read it.

 I’m only a couple chapters in but it’s an interactive book to help the reader activate dreams in their heart. Like I said, I already have most of the things I dreamed up as a young person.
Doni loved to dream, like, really off the wall things that made me laugh. I definitely took all of her dream stories for granted because they went something like this: build a lighthouse onto the modular home, put in a lap pool at the bottom of the property, buy the property above the house and build the ultimate dream house so the kids (probably Summer and Paul) can save up money while they live in the lighthouse house. And until the dream house on top of the hill happened, they were going to knock out the office and that was going to be their lighthouse/bedroom and then their present bedroom was going to be knocked out and expanded so that it connected to the garage and that was going to be turned into a playroom for the grandchildren. Now it all makes me smile because I could probably draw you out the blueprint after hearing these dreams so many times. She also wanted to put wood floors in the house and paint the kitchen cabinets white, which she already had Wolf’s go ahead on she just didn’t have the time to do it. And she wanted to take all of us to Carmel so she could show us her favorite restaurants, and walk on the beach, and show the kids the aquarium. She told me about this nearly every time we talked. She even pitched this: her and I (and Sums) alone with the kids, going up for an entire week, and Paul and Wolf drive up later. I remember thinking, I am not going to Carmel 6 months pregnant without my husband… Now of course, I lament we never took this trip. The thing was, I was getting ready to have a baby, and my family was living in Redding, and her and Wolf were both in ill health, but she was still planning this trip. I love that about her now, I used to think it was fruitless to not give up on little things like that, but now that I miss her so much, I miss those dreams. I miss just hearing her talk. I don’t feel bad saying that because I usually couldn’t hide my “what?” face when she was telling me some of these things. My favorite times were when she’d talk about her dreams with Wolf around and then they’d have legitimate arguments concerning where the lighthouse would really go, or how expensive a lap pool would make their energy bill. I have to say, they were very content people, but they talked about their dreams too. And the moral of that story is, life is short. I know they went happy, and I know their number one dream was fulfilled, to know Jesus. But they are on my mind lately, especially as I have been making my list.
It’s ok to dream, even wacky things. So I am going to share my dream list that I made in the interactive section of this book using its guidelines. I wanted to be specific and broad, just whatever came to mind, even if it doesn't make any sense. It may not happen the way I imagine it, but nevertheless, there is no doubt in my mind that God planted these desires in my heart so I'm going for it.

To Be:
-Teacher (broad context here, not just school teacher, perhaps a religious teacher of some sort…)
-Author/Blogger
-Psychologist/Educated
-Foster family to troubled kids

To Do:
-Take a cruise with Paul (an addendum to this would be to take a vacation where we can stay in bed for an entire day)
-Finish my education, preferably Masters
-Finish my novel and get it published
-Adopt babies/kids (Family goal= about 8-10 of us)
-Decorate my own house
-Learn how to play guitar, and take voice lessons
-Go to Israel

To Have:
-Own my own house on farm land
-A colorful door on that house (Probably yellow, red, or aqua screen door)
-A big kitchen with an island that has a cutting board build into the counter top, with like a miniature trash shoot (I see these on TV, they exist!)
-Mini-van
-Healthy, happy family (If I get that, you can throw everything else out the window, BUT- it’s ok to dream)
-A happy husband
-Chickens
-Horses, cows, goats, lots of dogs, you get the picture (there better be animal hair all over that farm house!)

Financial:
-Bless Others A LOT
-Give each of our children a house, and education if they so desire
-Live debt free (including our house)
-Afford nourishing food, and provide others with the same (I have this vision of a beef raising program that for every ¼ of a cow someone buys, it will supply a food pantry or local family with the same…anyway, for another time. Paul has committed to slaughtering chickens and cows for me to cut out the middle man, yeah, my guy’s a pioneer man!)
-Afford property

Emotional:
-Contentment (as a mother and wife)
-No fear
-Happy marriage

Physical:
-Garden SUCCESSFULLY and produce abundantly
-Ride horses with my kids
-Own a bike…and use it
-Hike to Half Dome (this dream has been heavily influenced by Paul)

Spiritual:
-Trust God
-Know God fully, be known by God
-Refer to God as “Daddy” comfortably
-Minister the goodness and grace of God to others

Legacy
-Touch hundreds of lives, impart love, encourage, deliver
- Have all of our children know and love the Lord (we’re talking generational favor!)

There we go, that’s my list. I feel very motivated to get started on something (particularly the cruise one…). Now go make one too if you feel so inclined!

My [late] New Year's Blog

     I have been planning a new year's blog for days.  Actually, I started putting it together in my head on December 31st, and now it is nearly the 3rd day into this new year and I am just now sitting down with time to myself. Paul has been working 30 hour weeks, and I know you women with husbands who work full time do not feel sorry for me in the least, but I have survived 50 hour weeks before! I‘m not sure why I am being such a baby. I miss him. I will be honest, this happy-go-lucky, glass is half-full perception of my in-law’s death has crashed down on me several times. Sometimes I just sit alone and all I can think is, I am so, so sad. Like a child, I feel vulnerable and helpless. All I know is, this hurts. I know God is good, and I know He has a plan, and I know the enemy loses in the end. I know those things, of course, but sometimes there is just nothing that brings comfort but His presence. I am angry that it happened because aside from November 26th, my year was fantastic. I have been thinking about this last year a lot, and it was probably my best year ever, seriously.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... Paul was unemployed and I was little more than desperate for him to find a job. During this season, through the pregnancy center I was given the opportunity to speak to Summerville High School students about purity. What a gig! I essentially shared my testimony and spoke on the emotional trauma that can and often follows at risk behaviors. You can read about that here, it happens to be my "2011 blog":

Wrapping up 2011, Starting 2012

Then life took a turn, I got sick. As some of you may recall the several blogs I wrote where I feared for my own life (though maybe I shouldn’t have been quite so dramatic, I‘ll admit). You can read about it here:

When I thought I was dying...
God could save me, but I am probably still  dying...

Two weeks after this health fiasco, I found out I was pregnant with Courage! What a joyous, wonderful day that was!!  I think finding out we were pregnant with Cori set the course for the year because we’d just walked through a lot of crap, and if we could come out the other side with a baby, we knew we’d be doing ok. Paul started his new job the day I got a positive test, it was a good day. You can read about that, here:

When Cori was a kidney bean...

I also had a wonderful trip to North Carolina, and when I got back home to see my husband I had a talk with him about our future. I just missed my family so much, at least give me a reason to persevere, right? We’re living in Sonora, barely surviving, working towards nothing (ok, we were working towards doing well enough financially that we could do something), and to me it looked like anything but progress. And I know Paul agreed. I’ll never forget the way it happened. His parents had the kiddos and we were laying in bed together, cuddling (which we never get to do, by the way), and he said, “What would you think if I applied to BSSM?” And I said, “DO IT!” So entered us into the most faith shaking journey of our life, waiting to hear back, waiting on finances to pull together, finding employment and housing in Redding. We’re talking weekly break downs here! One week, I’m crying to Paul that I just CANNOT make this happen. I felt so powerless. The next day Paul was burying his head in my shoulder asking me why we ever decided to do something that was so out of our hands. I think we had $200 to our name at this time. It was scary, that’s all I’ll say. You can read about it here:

Considering Redding

But God got us here. All of us. We gave away 85% of our house contents, packed the rest in boxes, and hauled our growing family to Redding where God literally pieced everything together. The Lord gave me a word for that season, it was “Make my path straight, O Lord,” and even though I didn’t believe Him, that He would make a way, looking back I can see how everything fell into place perfectly. Praise God! Of course I blogged on that!

Redding looks like home to me
Redding, here we come!

Then we were in battle, instantly. I was nine months pregnant, in a new city, a new house, and Paul started work immediately. So I was at home unpacking. We are still not unpacked, I’m not even sure what exists in the boxes in my closet anymore, and in Paul’s trunk! We obviously don’t need those things. Two weeks after we moved here I experienced some steady contractions and went to the hospital just to check and make sure it wasn’t anything serious. When I got there I was 2 cm dilated and 80% effaced. After two hours of sitting in triage, I was 4 cm. It was frightening, and emotional. I have never felt so alone in this big city with no one to call (We knew the Deans and they had our children, and the Trotts, and they were visiting Sonora!). Needless to say, we got our miracle and Cori was not born that night, but three weeks later. Another Praise God moment. I didn’t want to praise him at 39 weeks when my cervix had literally SHRUNK to less than 1 cm dilation (I was ready to have that baby!), but nevertheless, all the glory goes to Him. Here is my birth story:

Cori arrives, we are blessed!

So we had the baby, my mom came, and a week later we drove to Sonora to see Paul’s family. It was a beautiful visit, though we barely saw them because Paul’s Dad came home from the hospital Friday night and had to go back Sunday morning. So we got a Saturday. That’s it. I could list a million “Had I known’s” for you. I would not have gone shopping that morning, or watched Doni prepare meals while I sat there with a baby thinking, I just had a baby, I need to rest. I would have gotten out of bed sooner when they were leaving Sunday morning. It was a great visit, but looking back, knowing what I know now, I just wish I had another day. I guess that’s common when  you’re mourning those gone. I miss them.


Anyway, I think that catches up to now. We had a great Christmas, but once it was over I found myself falling into sort of a slump. I am just so, so sad. I miss them so much. I can see how beautifully God orchestrated this year, starting with the gift of Cori. All of our children have been a blessing during this time, but there is just something so tender and calming about a sweet baby. And Cori is the sweetest. Then there is the move to Redding, and I think it saved us. When we lived in Sonora we saw Wolf and Doni 2-3 times a week, sometimes more, rarely less. Doni watched our kids at least once a week, and I often made the commute from Ponderosa Hills to hang out with her for the day. On my pregnancy center days I would walk across the street to say hello, check on the food pantry, and talk to some of the folks I’d grown close to over time. Our lives were so intertwined with theirs, in fact, when we decided to move to Redding, everyone supported us, except them. They knew it was a good idea, they just feared that the arrival of Cori would make the season particularly difficult for us. It was hard to say goodbye, but I am so thankful we had some space between us before they went. I don’t know if I would have survived this otherwise, or survived it as well. So I am grateful for Redding.

And now, it is 2013. Paul asked me on the 1st if I had a new year's resolution and I thought, that’s right, people do that. I haven’t really thought of any. Paul picked the cliché, like lose weight and take me on more dates. That second one is most welcome. But for me I just want to cook real food, and stay on a budget (which Paul has set for me at $50/week, and my bulk organic beans and organic brown rice just came in the mail, 24 pounds total!). Most of all, I just want to learn how to love people, and know them. Doni was really good at that. I miss her so much. I am so scared that this year cannot be good if I spend all my time trying to heal. I believe with all of my heart that in some way, somehow, God will restore what we have lost. He has been exceedingly good to us in this season, and so has the entire church body of Tuolumne County. We are blessed. So for me, I just call this year redeemed. I want to see the fruits released, I want to see the harvest God has planned. I want to see the mantle passed and our family take hold.

I am grateful for your prayers, and I can actually feel them. I feel like the Lord is calling me into a season of grieving and I have been fighting it. I don’t want to cry. I want to laugh at a joke, play with my kids, and enjoy my precious husband. I want to wake up from this nightmare and realize it was just that, not real. So I don’t think for a second that God is being unfair for bringing me here, He has His reasons. I believe with all of my heart that joy is on the other side if I will just take the time to sit in His presence and cry. Believe it or not, I haven’t done that. I have a feeling I will feel a great deal lighter if I will take this on. Apparently I do not enjoy being vulnerable, so there, another new year’s resolution and it goes hand in hand with knowing people, being known.